What our reactions to others can reveal about our own longing for authenticity.

I used to avoid people who were living the kind of life I secretly wanted.

I avoided them because they rubbed me “the wrong way.” They activated the part of me that felt guilty that I wasn’t also making choices that were in alignment with my true self. This was partly because I felt like I didn’t have much choice or say in the things that I did. I felt stuck in old conditioning, repeating childhood patterns, listening solely to external “authorities,” always trying to do the “right” thing, and working hard to keep others happy by trying to mindread their needs while wholly ignoring my own. 

It was exhausting.

I spent a lot of time trying to change other people so I could feel ok. I ruminated over and over about what they could have done differently, what I could ask them to do next time, all so that I wouldn’t feel “bad” or hurt or angry. I realize now, that was a way of not having to focus inward, to not have to see, hear, acknowledge, or work through the pain I went through when I was younger. If I just focused outward and made everyone around me do as I say, then I could feel good. Ha!

It wasn’t actually about them at all, though I might have said it was at the time. It was about me, and the part of me that longed for the same freedom they had. 

But, as you can probably guess, the trouble with trying to control other people is that it often doesn’t work (or if it does, the cost is too high).

It took a long time and a lot of work to get to a place where I realized what I was doing. This realization came to me in pieces. It came through learning more about the ideas of autonomy, consent, self-determination, and agency. I wanted all of those things for myself and for others. How could we all have those things? 

I spent a lot of time marinating on requests vs demands, universal human needs, boundaries, societal conditioning, motivation, acceptance vs judgment, and punishment & coercion culture. I thought and felt through how all of those relate to the world I wanted.

I came away with more questions. And eventually, some non-verbal answers emerged. 

I knew how I wanted to feel. 

I knew how I wanted others to feel when interacting with me. 

Through this process, I cultivated a large capacity for compassion towards all kinds of people, especially my younger self. I just needed someone to listen and try to understand what it had been like for me. And guess what? 

I found a way to be that calm, loving presence for myself.

It was not easy. Writing it this succinctly almost feels like it diminishes how hard it was. I had to face a lot of uncomfortable truths about myself and my actions. And it’s not one-and-done; I have to keep coming back to it after the days it doesn’t quite work the way I want. 

I share this as a way of connecting, of saying that I get it. Some days are hard. Some days, you make choices that you feel you have to make because the pain of disappointing other people feels like too much. And maybe someday you’ll get to the point where you realize that, actually, the pain of disappointing yourself is more than you can handle. 

If you get to that point, just know that I’m rooting for you. 

And if you need extra support in figuring out what the heck to do about it, reach out. I’m here. ❤️